We’re away from home right now. Visiting one of our “happy” places the Ranch.
Usually there are a lot more people here when we are here, and I’m busy socializing, visiting and catching up with them.
Today, however, I found myself alone (except for Bubba) for quite a few hours.
When I never feel “free” in that respect.
At first, my mind was racing with joy thinking about all the “relaxing” things I was going to do. Then, I had, sort of, a revelation.
This might not be too shocking to my close friends – or my mom for that matter, but I truly found I had trouble just “being” today.
I’m away from work, the phone and the internet (should I choose to be). I could walk along the beach, read, meditate, stretch or just sit if I want to. This sort of “free” time is rare for me and today I found it made me a bit uncomfortable.
Yes, I took a refreshing walk on the beach with Bubba. We collected shells and sand dollars for our garden. Then we came back to the house and I read for a bit. This took up maybe 2 hours before I began to feel restless.
So restless, in fact, that I logged into my work computer and worked on a project not due until Thursday.
Then, I worked on variations of a logo I’m working on for a friend – again, not essential for me to do today, but somehow I felt an urgency – an uncomfortable restlessness.
What is this feeling? This need to feel like I’m accomplishing “something” and being productive?
Why could I not just sit and be and enjoy the fresh air, the silence, the peace?
This bothers me.
I don’t want to be a workaholic, a constant do-er, a restless soul.
I want to be able to just sit with myself quieting my mind, contemplating creative endeavors, meditating, praying, enjoying the solitude.
I want to find the freedom to not pressure myself to always be getting things done as we all know there will never be an end to the “to-do” list.
This is definitely something I need to work on – work on by non-working on it if that makes sense.
Problem is, I’m not sure where to begin.
Anyone have suggestions? What to do you do when you have time just to yourself? Can you enjoy it and not feel guilty about not “using your time wisely” as the saying goes?
I’m reaching out for inspiration.